When I was at Moody I played with the Symphonic Band for 2 years. Each spring we would go on a 2 week long tour over spring break. We would perform at churches, schools and various other places. As part of the concerts, our director had members of the band volunteer to introduce the songs we would be playing. And there would be one person each night that would give a testimony about halfway through the concert. I remember one of the ladies talking about asking God why and how that is okay to do. I have asked why many times in the last 2 plus months. Why didn’t Ben recover when all statistics were in his favor? Why didn’t God heal him? Why me? Why Ben? Why so young?
So many things happen in our lives that just don’t make sense. The day Ben died I went out to my dad’s after getting Ben’s brother and his wife settled where they were staying. One of my aunts was there. She was asking why as well. Why didn’t God take her instead of Ben? Why allow Ben to die so young?
I was talking with a friend a couple of weeks ago and mentioned that it has taken over 18 years to see some of the good that came from the death of my mother-in-law. I commented that I hope it doesn’t take that long to see some of the why in Ben’s death. While it may take that long I know that there will be good that will come out of his death. God will use it to change me. He will use it impact lives for His kingdom.
A friend that runs a grief share group reached out to me and invited me to a group that is starting up at the end of the month. As we chatted online back and forth she mentioned that a group like that can be so helpful to know that you are not alone. That the feelings and thoughts you are experiencing are normal. Knowing someone that has walked a similar road is comforting and encouraging. It made me think of the verses in the Bible that talk about how Jesus can empathize with us in our pain because he experienced the same things. He experienced grief and loss when his relative Lazarus died. It is comforting to know that I have a Savior that understands the hurt and the pain.
God is often described as a father. A good father. Good fathers don’t want to see their children in pain. What parent hasn’t wished they were the one sick when their child is sick? God doesn’t want to see us in pain either. But sometimes we have to struggle and go through painful times to learn the things we will need for the next phase of our life.
I don’t know why God allowed Ben to get sick and for COVID to steal him from us. I wish he was still here and that my reality was different. But I can’t change what has happened. I can however move forward with hope and faith that in time God will reveal the answers to the whys. That what I am going through right now is preparing me for what God has planned for me to accomplish. I would like to be able to see the end. Unfortunately I can’t see the end. So I will walk in faith trusting that as my good Father he has my best in mind.
For the Love of Ben 