Brutal

Before October 31st I had very little understanding of how hard it is to lose a close loved one. I knew it was difficult. But I had no clue how extremely difficult. Brutal is the word I often use to describe what it is like to lose a spouse. When you get married the imagery used is that you become one flesh. When things meld together it is difficult to separate them. It is much the same with a husband and wife. They have been melded together. Separating them is difficult. It is as if you have lost half of yourself. Ben and I were a team. It was us against the world. We knew we always had each other’s back. And no matter what we had each other.

The death of a spouse changes that very quickly. Suddenly all the things you did together, you have to do alone. You are very aware of the fact that you are alone. Somehow you have to figure out how to keep going without your partner. When there are still children in the home, you have to keep going for their sake. My son helps keep me going. He needs me now more than ever.

One of my cousins died in April. When he died, I had an understanding that it was difficult for his wife, kids, parents and siblings. It wasn’t until Ben died that I began to understand how difficult. Until you have walked through a similar experience it is hard to really understand the pain and grief. You can certainly sympathize with others even if you haven’t experienced the same thing. But when you have had a similar experience then you can empathize with them. Sympathy is a head knowledge of someone’s suffering. There is a distance that is kept however. You understand that it is painful on a cognitive level. Empathy on the other hand is experiencing someone else’s feelings. It involves feeling the same emotions that the other person is feeling. That comes because you have walked through something very similar. It is why there are grief support groups and cancer support groups. Someone that has been through what you are going through has an understanding that those who have not been through similar things don’t have.

I have seen times where a family experiences the death of a child and another person that has walked through that comes alongside of them. There is a comfort in having someone who knows the thoughts and feelings that you are experiencing in the midst of a tragedy or difficult time. Though I am only a few months down the road I was able to come alongside a dear friend who lost her husband unexpectedly. When I found out her husband had died, I felt such pain for her knowing what she will be going through. It won’t be easy for her just as it hasn’t been easy for me. But the one thing that we both have is HOPE! We both have the hope that we will see our husbands again one day. That hope is a big part of what gets me through each day. Without that hope I don’t know how I would carry on. At the funeral for my friend’s husband we sang Because He Lives. That is one of my favorite hymns however it is also the one hymn that is guaranteed to bring tears to my eyes.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!