Today is Martin Luther King Jr Day. This year my company gave us the day off. I volunteered to work at the school to cover for someone who is out sick. It was only a half day so I had the rest of the day to get some chores done. I had a lot on my to do list. Most of it didn’t get done. But what I did get done was not easy. I changed the sheets on my bed. It doesn’t sound like much but it was hard. I haven’t slept in my own bed for a whole night since Ben died. I have slept on the couch since that day.
Last year I bought some fleece sheets. Since the weather has now turned cold and winter is here to stay I figured it was time to put the fleece sheets on the bed. But changing the sheets reminded me that the one I love the most won’t ever be lying next to me in the bed. He won’t be wrapped up in his fleece blanket next to me peacefully sleeping. Ben said I always stole the blankets so he would wrap up in a fleece blanket that I couldn’t steal. I put his fleece blanket on his side of the bed just like I normally did when I changed the sheets.
There have been many hard things over the course of the last couple of months. Tears are never far away and still come frequently. Sometimes they come out of nowhere, seemingly for no reason. Other times it is finding a picture of Ben or a card that he gave me. I have all the birthday, anniversary and Valentine’s card he ever gave me. Precious treasures now. While changing the sheets, I found some of the cards that I gave him over the years. And there were the tears again.
What has been hard for me the last few months is all things COVID. I have friends and family that have gotten COVID and recovered. Some much less healthy than Ben. Yet Ben is the one that isn’t here. I would never wish ill of anybody else or want to see COVID take them. But it is hard to understand why Ben didn’t recover and others have. Then it seems like everyday there are reports of new treatments that are successful for severe COVID cases. That WHY question pops up again and again. It is so hard in the midst of my grief to make sense of things. I know in my head that there is purpose and reason in what I am going through. My heart still hurts for my loss.
I remember thinking that when Ben was in the hospital that I would like to know the outcome or know how long he would be there. It was a good thing that I didn’t know the ending when he went into the hospital or when he was moved to the ICU or put on the ventilator. There is a reason we don’t get to see the future. We wouldn’t be able to handle it. And we would do everything in our power to try to change things so the bad things wouldn’t happen.
Even though none of this was what I planned, I trust that God has a plan and will use my pain and grief for a purpose one day. It is hard waiting. I want all of this to make sense now. I don’t want to wait very long to see something good come out of my pain. I know one day I will be able to look back and see God’s hand in everything and see how He used this time in my life for His purpose. Until then I will wait and trust God.
For the Love of Ben 