Today marks 3 months since my Ben entered the presence of his Savior, Jesus. I miss him just as much today as I have everyday since then. So often I have wished that I could go back in time and change something so that this present reality would be different than what I am living. I know that is not possible. It is just so hard to keep moving forward each day.
The last 4 days have been busy and full. I took Thursday and Friday off from my full time job. The original plan was that my twin sister and I would go to Kentucky Thursday for a women’s conference at the church she was a member of when she lived in Somerset. She had asked me to go a few months before Ben got sick. So it was lingering out there for us to go. Before it would have been no big deal for me to take a trip with my sister. Ben would have handled everything with our son, Sabin and I wouldn’t have had to worry about anything. Of course now taking a trip like that is quite a bit more involved.
We had to delay our departure date as I had signed myself up to take part in a GriefShare group at one of the local churches. That meeting was on Thursday evening. When you already have approved time off, you can always find projects or things that need to be done. First on my agenda on Thursday was to undecorate the Christmas tree. That’s right our real Christmas tree was still up and decorated! Any other year, undecorating the Christmas tree and putting all the Christmas stuff away would be fairly easy. This year it took longer than normal as the tears flowed as I removed the ornaments, garland and lights. Ben never helped with the Christmas decorating so it wasn’t that I missed his help. But so many of the ornaments were reminders of him and our life together. I made it through the task and got most of the stuff put away later that night.
In the evening it was time to go to the GriefShare group. I forced myself to go because I knew I needed something like that. I do not like the fact that I have a reason to be a part of the group. It still seems surreal that Ben is gone from this earth. The group will be good for me to work through my grief. It is also helpful to be around people that have walked the same road of loss and grief. Many of those in the group are missing their husband just like me.
Friday morning my sister and I headed out for the long drive to Somerset, Kentucky. We got some dinner and headed to the church for the Friday evening session. Lisa Harper was the speaker for the weekend. The message Friday night was from Genesis 12. Lisa talked about how hard it is to look to the future and know what to do or where to go. But we can look back and see God’s faithfulness. When we do look forward, we just have to take that next right step. God doesn’t show us His full plans just as He did not show Abraham all the plans he had for him. God told Abraham to pack up his family and go to a place He would show him. I imagine that was not an easy thing to do. Abraham tells his family to pack up and you know their first question was “Where are we going?”. The best Abraham could tell them was that God would show him. I don’t know where God is taking me but He will lead me one step at a time. Like Abraham, I need to have faith in God and His plan for my life.
Saturday morning we returned to the church for the second and final session. The conference was only Friday night and Saturday morning which to me seemed to be perfect. Much more and many would have been overwhelmed. Before both sessions there was a time of worship in music. Saturday morning, Lisa’s message came from Mark 9. In that chapter, Jesus healed a boy that was possessed by an unclean spirit. The father told Jesus that he believed but to help his unbelief. So often we are like that father. We believe but we have given up hope. Lisa challenged us to write down the name of someone that needs Jesus and the salvation He offers. She shared the story of the man that she called her father. She prayed for his salvation for years but over time, she prayed less and less for his salvation. It is hard to continue to pray for something that doesn’t happen. Especially when there are no signs that anything is changing. But near the end of his life, he was lead to the Lord by Lisa’s nephew. She was blown away that he would accept God’s salvation as she had given up hope. She knew God could draw her father to Himself but she didn’t expect it to happen after such a long time.
It was a good weekend with my sister. We left Kentucky after getting some lunch. We made a stop in Ohio at Ben’s brother’s house. They graciously let us crash on their couches overnight. It was nice to spend some time with them. It was also nice to not have to drive all the way back home in one day.
For the Love of Ben 