Tears

Last night my son, Sabin, had a choir concert for his choir class at school. That meant I had to miss the second session of the GriefShare group. Sabin did a good job as did all the students and groups. As I entered the performing arts center I grabbed a program and found a seat in the second row. I got there about 20 minutes early so I had some time to pass while waiting for the start of the concert. There I sat in the second row all by myself. No one ever did join me in that row.

As I sat listening to one of the songs one of the choirs sang, tears were welling up in my eyes. It was another one of those random times that a wave hit me and tears started. The wave quickly washed over me and I was able to go on with enjoying the rest of the concert. I couldn’t help but miss having Ben beside me as I listened to the songs being sung. He would have been proud of Sabin and happy that he was singing in a choir. I surely hope that Sabin inherited Ben’s singing talent.

It is hard to go to events like a choir concert or drama performance alone. It is too easy for me to look around at all the moms and dads attending together and be sad for myself that I am alone. There is always a tinge of sadness in things knowing that Ben is missing it. I have gone to the kids’ events alone before because Ben had other obligations. But it is different when the person you most want with you isn’t here anymore. It can be a pretty lonely feeling.

The tears do come less often now. In fact I am considering wearing my contacts again. I have only worn my contacts a few times since October as contacts and lots of tears do not go well together. It is a pretty small thing but it makes me feel like I am making progress. As I talked to a very wise man and pastor yesterday, he asked me what I thought I needed to do at this time. I know that God has a plan to use my story in some way. But I told him that right now I feel like I just need to sit and wait. There is still a lot of things that I need to walk through this year. Many of those will be difficult. Especially our trip to Wisconsin for vacation. I have never been there without Ben so I expect that to be difficult. Also that will be when we put his ashes in the ground next to his mother and grandparents. I know that there will be tears that come often for quite some time. I will let them come when they do. And I will continue to move forward and follow where God leads.