Tired

I am tired. Physically tired. Emotionally tired. Spiritually tired. Any way that one can be tired, I am that. Mothers understand what it is to be tired those first few months after having a baby. Grief is that and so much more. Sleep is often elusive and not peaceful. On top of not getting good sleep, grief piles on lots of emotional turmoil. A new baby wears you down physically with the lack of sleep. Grief wears you down physically, emotionally, socially, spiritually. Everything is more difficult when you are grieving. And if you are someone that doesn’t adapt well to change, that adds another difficulty. Someone that is a creature of habit has suddenly had everything familiar turned upside down.

This week has been a long, hard week. I didn’t get enough sleep which made things that much harder. So many times the tears came for a visit. But so many good things too. It is very easy to dwell on my grief and not take the time to appreciate the good things and good times. Sabin has winter soccer training on Tuesday nights. I could dwell on the fact that it would have Ben that would have taken him and I would have been at home preparing dinner for them when they got home. Instead I choose to be grateful for a dinner of Culver’s and time with Sabin in the car talking (as much as a 12 year old boy will talk to his mom).

Wednesday night was the Awana Grand Prix at the church I grew up in. I served in Awana from the time I graduated from college through last year. For the last several years, Ben was in charge of running the Grand Prix. I was always right there beside him helping get things set up and ready for a successful race. He had things all figured out to run a successful race. Because my dad took Sabin to youth group I was able to stop in and watch some of the races. They did a lot of things differently but in the end it was successful. The kids had fun as did their parents. As I walked to my car afterwards, the tears found me again. So many emotions. Even though Ben and I were not working in Awana this year, I know he would have been willing to help make sure the race went well.

After missing the GriefShare group last week due to Sabin’s choir concert, I was able to be there again. It had already been a tough week. I wasn’t necessarily looking forward to being there because I was so tired and spent. But there is something about being with a group of people that understand the struggles that you are dealing with. There were a couple of new people that weren’t there the first week and some that were missing from the first week. While there were some things that were discouraging to hear about what to expect, there were so many things that are helpful. And being able to hear from others about how they are struggling and coping is an encouragement.

Grief is as unique as the relationship that each of us had with our loved one. One thing that was said in the video we watched was that it takes 6-9 months for most people to accept the fact of their loved one’s death. In their head they accept it but it takes that long for their heart to accept it. And that is where I am at. I know in my head that Ben is gone but my heart has not accepted it yet.

I don’t often have dreams while I am sleeping. If I do I must not remember them. Last night I did have a dream and Ben was in it. I was watching him through a window. He was outside. He walked towards the window wearing a long sleeved Ohio State shirt and an Ohio State short sleeve shirt over it. It was cold out as he was rubbing his arms as he walked towards the window. I watched through the window and just looked at him the whole time. He looked at me and smiled at me. Then he was putting a Michigan coat on. It was just a short little dream but it was so nice to see him in my dreams. I miss him so much but seeing him in my dream was like having him here if only for a few short minutes. Maybe he will visit me in my dreams again tonight!