Ambushed

One of the things that was discussed last week in the GriefShare group was being ambushed by grief. Those are times where you are going along and then out of nowhere a wave of grief crashes over you. Some of the members of the group shared some stories of when they were ambushed by grief. I have experienced many instances of being ambushed.

Holidays are typically some of the hardest days for those grieving the loss of a loved one. I made it through Thanksgiving and Christmas fairly well. I spent most of those days surrounded by family. Valentine’s Day was never that big of a deal for Ben and me. We did acknowledge it and made sure to get something for one another. Ben had a knack for finding the perfect card for me. He would usually pair that with some kind of chocolate that I liked (Peanut Butter M&Ms or Ghiradelli). And I would give him a card with some snack or treat that he enjoyed (usually York peppermint patties). I did not expect Valentine’s Day to be so hard but it was very difficult for me. It ambushed me.

The day started out with plenty of tears. I composed myself long enough to do the drop off line at school and drop off the check to pay my property taxes. Once I got home, the tears began again. I realized that it would be a good idea to not be on Facebook at all the rest of the day. I made a post and then stayed away from FB the rest of the day. I knew that there would be numerous posts about Valentine’s Day and everybody extolling how great their boyfriend or husband is. And that was not what I needed to see. I love that people post those kinds of things and I am happy that they are so grateful and happy with their husband. But for me this year, I needed to stay away from seeing those posts.

I have some of the best friends. One dropped off a card and a bag of peanut butter M&Ms. Another dropped off a big bag of peanut butter M&Ms and some other chocolates. My sister got me a bag of Ghiradelli chocolates. I also received flowers from some friends from church (though I don’t know who specifically). I had to smile at getting flowers because if I got flowers from Ben they were usually hyacinths that I could then plant in the flower bed out front. That man was always so practical!

Mondays are my bowling night. That was a good thing or else I would have probably sat at home on the couch in tears most of the night. I had stopped at Dollar Tree after getting a tail light replaced on my car and picked up some treats for the kids. While I was at bowling Callie and Hunter stopped to get their treats. They left behind a card and more peanut butter M&Ms. I think there may be a conspiracy by friends and family to make me gain back some of the weight I have lost over the course of the last 4 months.

The day after Valentine’s Day was a better day. Oh there were tears of course but not as many as on Valentine’s Day. I missed having my Valentine here and getting that perfect card from him. Holidays and life in general just isn’t the same without him. I am grateful for all the good times and wonderful memories I have with Ben. And I am grateful for the hope I have to know I will see him again.