Exhausted

Grief takes a huge toll on you not just emotionally but physically. Over the course of the last 4 months I have lost at least 25 pounds. Most days I am completely exhausted by 10 pm. There are times where it feels like it will never end and I wonder how long I can continue on like this. Everything has changed. And change is exhausting. Gone are the nights of me being a night owl. I need to be up earlier in the morning to make sure Sabin is awake for school. That was always Ben’s domain. He was the one that was in bed by 10 or 10:30 each night. And then he was up by 6 am. While I was rarely in bed before midnight and didn’t drag myself out of bed reluctantly until 7 am or later.

Change is inevitable and unavoidable. Life is always changing. Normally life changes in small ways. When there are big changes it is usually something that was planned for or wanted. The death of a spouse doesn’t just change one or two things, it changes EVERYTHING. It throws your world into turmoil. Many days you don’t know if you are coming or going or what you are supposed to be doing. Some people love change and adapt fairly easily. Others struggle to adapt to change. I have always been one that takes some time to adapt to changes. All of the changes that come with losing your husband are overwhelming. Instead of adapting to one thing that has changed and moving forward, you suddenly have to adapt to many changes, both big and small.

As you try to adapt to all the changes you also have to deal with grief. The changes remind you that your loved one is not here. So while you try to adapt and move forward, you are also hit with wave after wave of grief. Eventually it will wear you down physically as well as emotionally and mentally. By the end of the work week, I am spent. By Friday at 10 pm I am falling asleep on the couch. And some weeks that happens earlier in the week. A couple of weeks ago I was so exhausted on Tuesday that I took a nap in the car while Sabin was at soccer training.

Earlier this week a very good friend, Dave, entered heaven’s gates. He was not just a friend of mine, but of Ben’s as well. We shared many meals together with him and his wife over the years. Ben helped him with tasks at church and with any computer issues he had. Dave had season tickets to Michigan State games for both football and basketball. When MSU played Ohio State, Dave was sure to ask Ben if he wanted to go to the game. My heart breaks for those that loved him so deeply. I know it would have hit Ben hard to lose Dave. Dave’s illness and death would have been the topic of conversation for Ben and me over the course of the last couple of weeks. I miss that the most with Ben gone. I no longer have him to talk to about life. There have been several events that have occurred over the last couple of months that I wished I could talk with Ben about. Even if he didn’t say much, Ben would just let me talk. Talking through things helped me to process things. Just saying them out loud to someone else helped me.

There are more changes to come for me and for Sabin. That is part of life. We will do our best to adapt to those changes as they come. And at the same time deal with our grief. We are headed to Florida for an extended weekend getaway. I am looking forward to getting away and being able to relax and enjoy the warm weather and sunshine.