Alone

Sabin and I returned from our trip to Florida. We had a good time away from home, school and work. I wished we could have stayed a lot longer but school and work required us to return to the cold of Michigan. A friend of mine from high school had invited us to come down and stay with her. And true to the Ingram vacation mode, we didn’t do a lot. Our vacations have never been a non-stop flurry of adventures and activities. Our trips to Wisconsin have usually been light on the activities and heavy on the relaxing. This trip to Florida was no different. And it was perfect. There were a lot of other things that we could have done. But I am happy with what we did do.

As we returned home, it was tough. While in Florida there was very little that was constantly reminding me of Ben and his absence from our lives. The tears that have been my constant companion only made one appearance. I received an email from Sabin’s soccer club offering to pay for a soccer camp for Sabin this summer. The flood of tears immediately began as I read the email.

While we were in Florida, the funeral of our very good friend, Dave, was held. I would have liked to be at the funeral in person to honor a good friend but was thankful to be able to attend via a livestream. For Ben’s memorial service I requested that people wear red in honor of him. Dave’s family requested that people wear green and white to honor him. He was the biggest Michigan State fan that I have ever met. Ben loved to rib him when Ohio State beat Michigan State. And Dave never missed an opportunity to rib Ben when MSU beat Ohio State. It is a testament to the impact of a man when Michigan fans don Ohio State garb and/or colors to honor him which many of those that knew Ben did. The same thing happened for our friend Dave. An Ohio State fan and a Michigan fan both donned Michigan State garb in honor of Dave. It is just a game but it sure brought Ben and Dave lots of joy and fun over their lives.

One thing about losing your spouse is that you are suddenly alone. I don’t mind being alone. What is hard is to be without Ben. I am comfortable doing things by myself. I hate having to do everything without Ben though. The end of February marks 4 months since Ben’s death. Ben died on the 31st of October so the calendar weirdness of uneven days gives me months where there is no 31st. Five months out of the year don’t have a 31st day. Maybe that is a good thing for me. Less months where a day in the month is a greater reminder of my loss.

When I let myself think about things and what has happened, it is still hard to believe that Ben is gone. Things are not as they should be. They will never be the same. Throughout the last 2 years of COVID people talked about a new normal. I hated to hear that in reference to our lives returning to normal after COVID hysteria was over. I didn’t want a new normal. I wanted things to return to how they were. Now without Ben, my life will never be the same. There will be a new normal for me. That new normal will be tinged with grief. There will be an awareness that someone is missing. While life for everybody carries on, it can often seem like it is dragging me along. Time passes quickly yet each day can be a struggle. I am so grateful for so many of my brothers and sisters in Christ who pray for me. I know I could not get through each day without their prayers. Ben’s last words to me before being put on the vent still hold true, God is good.