Glimpses

Sometimes the week flies by and other times it creeps by slowly. But that is how it has seemed to be the last 21 years. I think many pregnant women would say that waiting for baby to arrive seems to take forever. Then once baby comes, time seems to speed up and fly by. Although there are times where time goes slowly, most of the time it feels like time passes quickly. I remember each year that Callie was in high school looking forward to spring and the high school soccer season. Then before I knew it the season was over.

So often we rush through life looking forward to what is next. My advice to new parents is to enjoy each stage as it comes and not look forward to the next stage. I have several videos from our old video camera of Callie when she was a baby and toddler. It is fun to look back on those videos and remember what seems now as a much simpler time. There were struggles but the videos offer a glimpse of the simple things.

What I have experienced the last five and a half months has been anything but simple. The heartbreak at losing Ben can be debilitating at times. There are times where I miss him so much. Times where his absence is felt deeply. It took me over three months before I could sleep in our bed again. I slept on the couch. Some of it was because I didn’t want to face an empty bed knowing that just going into the bedroom and not having Ben there would lead to tears and sobbing. Another part of it was that I was so exhausted by 10 pm that I didn’t even have the energy to go into the bedroom and climb in bed. Before Ben died I would sometimes fall asleep on the couch but when I would wake up, I would always go to bed. I have been sleeping in our bed since we returned from our trip to Florida. I did switch sides and now sleep on Ben’s side of the bed. I am grateful that no matter where I have slept that I don’t have issues with getting to sleep or staying asleep.

Along with the GriefShare group I joined, I also am part of a widow/widower group at the church I am attending. Of course I am the youngest member by at least 15 or 20 years. In some ways I don’t fit in with the group because they are all so much older than me. But then they have all been where I am now. Most of them are much further down the grief road than me. There is a comfort in being with a group of people that can really understand your pain and grief. Also it is an encouragement to be with people that have survived through years of grief. Because some days it feels like it will never end. Walking into a church alone can be hard. But to have others there that have experienced the loss of a spouse helps. I am not alone and there are others that are doing the same thing.

I was listening to a radio program the other day, the radio personality was talking about her move from CA to MI. They had bought a house based on the pictures online and had never seen it in person. Once they got to MI and saw their new home, she described how it was so much more than what she expected from the pictures. Pictures can only show so much. She compared that to how heaven will be. We have descriptions in the Bible of how glorious heaven is. That gives us some picture of it. However, it is so much more than we could ever imagine. I long for the day when I will join Ben in heaven. There is so much beauty in the world here but that is only a foretaste of what heaven is like.

I think you can extend that analogy to God’s plan too. He doesn’t show us all the plans He has for us. Sometimes we wish that we could know the complete plan. But that is not how God works. And that is not what is best for us. It is a good thing that we don’t know when our time here on earth will end. God shows us bits and pieces of His plan as we go along. When we look back we can see how the pieces have come together. My plan did not include losing Ben and being a widow at age 46. I don’t like it. But it is what has happened and as much as I wish it could be different, there is nothing I can do to change what is. But I can move forward in spite of my circumstances. I can allow God to use this time in my life to make me better. He has a plan for me. A plan to use what has happened to further His kingdom. I don’t know what that plan is or how it will unfold. For now I wait patiently for Him to guide me to what He has for me.