Have you ever been completely exhausted and spent? You somehow manage to keep on going but most everything is a struggle and wears you out. That is where I am at right now. I am exhausted. Life is hard. It is even harder when you are grieving. Harder yet when you are left to pick up the pieces of broken hopes and dreams and move forward because you have children to look out for. Going on with life without a partner to share duties and responsibilities is hard. I can no longer defer things to Ben. I have to do them or they won’t get done. Where he used to be the one that ran Sabin to soccer, now I have to do that. He used to keep track of the bills and managed the finances. That is now my responsibility. We made many decisions together. Now I have to make decisions alone. It isn’t that I can’t do any of those things because I can. But suddenly having to do all those things that Ben did and what I did is overwhelming and exhausting. It is hard physically at times. It is also hard emotionally and mentally.
The last couple of weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster. Sabin’s soccer schedule has been brutal with the rainy weather and games being postponed and locations moved. A couple of weeks ago we were in Petoskey for a game. That is about a 3 hour drive from home. The drive up wasn’t so bad. We were able to stop in at a friend’s home to help him pack the remainder of his stuff to move back to our area. Then we headed to Sabin’s game. The hard part was the 3 hour drive home. Ben was always the driver on trips. Now I have to drive and I don’t really like it. I always enjoyed just being along for the ride and not having to deal with the driving. Ben’s driving did stress me out sometimes but I would still rather have him driving than for him to not be here.
Sabin joined the track team. While I enjoy watching his events, I am reminded how alone I am. I am not friends with any of the parents of the other track athletes so I sit alone. I enjoy cheering Sabin on but it is quite lonely to sit and watch events he isn’t in and have no one to talk to while waiting for Sabin’s next event. The good thing is that track season is over quickly. There is just one more track meet and Sabin will be done.
This weekend is the Cherry Capital Cup soccer tournament in Traverse City. I have always enjoyed the weekend and watching the kids as they play or ref soccer games. This year will be different because Ben will not be there. It will be the first Cherry Capital Cup that he has missed. I expect to be spent by the time we get home on Sunday. Being around people for an extended amount of time has always been something that drains me. It will be hard this weekend without Ben. I am taking the day off work on Monday as a recovery day. I really just need a day to be away from work. My job isn’t super stressful but it does have its frustrations. Those frustrations create stress for me. My sister and I will go to the greenhouse and get flowers and put them in the urns at our grandfather’s grave on Monday.
I made it through the first of Callie’s big events without her dad. She graduated with high honor from Davenport University with a BA in Computer Information Systems, Programming Specialty. Thanks to a friend, Sabin was able to get to his soccer game so I could attend her graduation. I have always hated missing the kids sporting events but sometimes there are other things that make it necessary. I would not have missed Callie’s graduation. I am pretty proud of her for graduating with high honor and doing it in 3 years. And she was working full time for a good part of her last semester. After her graduation we rushed to Sabin’s game and caught the last 5 minutes of it. Afterwards it was the graduate’s choice on where to go for dinner. She chose Red Lobster. We enjoyed a delicious meal, missing Ben of course.
The last couple of weeks have been filled with lots of tears. So many things that bring on the tears. Last weekend Callie and Hunter came over to help me go through the boxes from Ben’s office. That was very hard and overwhelming. I didn’t want to do it but it needed to be done. Thankfully Callie and Hunter did a lot of the work. I couldn’t have done it without them. I would have quit after about 5 minutes on the first box. I still don’t know what I will do with most of the stuff but at least the boxes are mostly out of the way and things have been weeded out somewhat. I need Ben here to tell me what all the stuff is and what it is used for. But then if he were here those boxes wouldn’t be at our house.
The last of the work on the rental was completed last week. The new windows are in and the new metal roof is finished. It is almost a brand new house! My trust and will are all set up. School is almost done for the year. Just 15 more days of the drop off line for me. Yay! I will have to decide if I want to continue working that half hour at the school. Before Ben died I saw it as a way to give me the option in the future to take on more hours there and leave my full time job. Now I need to make sure I have a job that provides the needed finances and medical insurance. God has definitely been good to us. I have a job that provides everything that Sabin and I need. It even provides things that we want.
Today I got the oil changed in the car. When I got home I decided to check on what the neighbor behind us was having done to his house. New shingles were being put on the roof. While in the backyard I checked on the buckeye trees. Last week I had found a buckeye nut that had begun to sprout. Today I found 6 more buckeye trees that sprouted from last year’s crop of nuts. I can just see Ben coming in from the backyard all excited at how many trees have sprouted. It is funny because he planted 50 buckeyes several years ago and only 3 sprouted. We had more success with the squirrels planting them for us! Now I have markers all over the backyard where I have found a buckeye tree that has sprouted up. Mowing back there will be tricky this year!
For the Love of Ben 