A winding path

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9

The last week or two has been particularly hard for me. There have been so many times that the tears have come. Oftentimes it wasn’t just tears but sobbing as well. This is not what I planned for my life to be like right now. I never imagined a life without Ben. Especially a life without him at such a young age. I used to look to the future and imagine how things would be. I looked forward to a day when Sabin was out on his own and it was just Ben and I. I had a 10 year plan where I would be able to quit my job and only work part time. Ben’s death forced me to scrap that 10 year plan. No longer will I have his income and the insurance his job provided to depend on. Ben and I were supposed to go to Israel for our 25th wedding anniversary. We were both so excited to do that. I went to Israel after my junior year of college. I was excited to go back and to share it with Ben.

It is so hard to look to the future now. Most days the best I can do is just make it through that day and plan for the next. I don’t want to think about what the future will look like without Ben. For now it is enough just to live in the moment and go day by day. Though the days often seem long, the years will pass quickly. As tough as some days are, there are days that are good.

The past 2 weeks have been another roller coaster. A very good friend has been in and out of the hospital several times this year. She and her husband have been close friends of ours for quite some time. Her condition quickly took a downward turn and the family was facing the prospect that their wife and mother would soon leave her earthly body. But then God stepped in and against all medical explanation, she began to improve. My heart was breaking for my dear friend who had already had one of his best friends and his brother die and was facing the imminent death of his wonderful wife. I know all too well the pain and grief he would be facing. Then came the news that they could put those funeral plans on hold. I rejoiced with the family that they would have more time with their wife and mother. But at the same time, I couldn’t help but ask why Ben didn’t receive a similar miracle. The WHY? question is the most persistent and hardest question. It keeps coming back over and over.

After several days of struggle and many, many tears there was finally some relief and peace on Friday. I am a pretty heavy sleeper and either I don’t have dreams very often or I don’t remember them. But Thursday night I had a dream. I don’t remember the setting or what was happening. What I do remember is that Ben was there and we were locked in an embrace. His arms were wrapped around me and he was holding me as if to communicate to me that it was okay. “Seeing” Ben in my dream was a comfort.

I have a very good friend from college that has made it a life goal to never drive through a drive through line. So far she has been able to do that. I had a similar goal in life except mine was to never mow the grass. Ben always took care of mowing the lawn. The only time I touched the mower was to move it out of the way to pull the grill out of the garage. But with all the rain lately the yard was beginning to look like a jungle. And there was no lawn mowing fairy that showed up to mow the lawn. So on Friday I pulled the mower out with the intent to mow the grass. I am not the most mechanically inclined so I wasn’t sure what I was even doing. I figured out that I needed to hold down the bar and knew I needed to pull the pull cord. I attempted it a couple of times and nothing happened. I was frustrated and upset because I shouldn’t have to be doing that. Ben should be here to mow the lawn just like he always has. Tears ensued and I walked away for a bit. I consulted the expert–Google. I got my answer, I needed to prime it. I did that and it started right up. I got the whole lawn mowed with a break in the middle to eat the burgers I grilled while mowing. It may be the only time I mow as my hands and arms can’t quite take it. Sabin will have to be my lawn mower man!

Through all the ups and downs on this journey, I have to remind myself over and over that Ben’s last words to me are still true, God is good. His ways are not my ways. They often won’t make sense. But God is the one that is guiding my steps and the only one that I can rely on. Without the hope that is in Christ I don’t know how I would be able to manage to live life each day. Knowing that God has a plan in all this brings comfort even when I just want to know why.