Forever

It has now been seven months since Ben died. It is just as hard today as it was seven months ago. It is different but still hard. If crying counted as exercise and could give you six pack abs, I would certainly have a very toned mid section. If someone had told me seven months ago the utter fatigue that I would experience through all of this I wouldn’t have been able to comprehend it. This has been the most draining experience in my life. I’m not sure anything can compare. Most other things are fairly temporary. Mothers understand the fatigue of the first few months with a newborn. But at some point that fatigue will go away. Grief is not like that. There really is no endpoint. It is something that is with you forever.

Last week a teacher was killed in a school shooting in Texas. Two days later her husband had a heart attack and died. Many would say that he died of a broken heart. I have no doubt that the stress of the situation was a major factor in his heart attack. When Ben was in the hospital I told people that it was hard to leave because half of my heart was lying in that hospital bed. Marriage is described in the Bible as two becoming one. So when a husband or wife dies, the remaining spouse feels like half of themselves is gone. It feels like that half was ripped away leaving a huge open wound. That open wound will heal eventually but it will leave behind a nasty scar. We are forever changed by the death of a spouse.

I am so thankful that I had just over 22 years of marriage to Ben. I really couldn’t have asked for anyone better. He led his family well. He loved me and the kids well. He served our family well. He served God well. He left behind a huge hole in our lives. And he left behind lots of stuff. Lots and lots of stuff. Someday I may actually manage to sift through all he has left behind. It will be a monumental task and one that will be full of many, many tears.

I have had people offer to help with things around the house or help with going through Ben’s stuff. When I think about it, it is very overwhelming. There is so much to do that it is hard to know where to even begin. In some ways it is easier to leave things alone and work around them. I can ignore them. The stuff becomes a background that is just there. It is familiar and doesn’t cause me extra grief or tears to have it just sitting there. I know I can’t ignore it forever. There will be a time when I will have to deal with it. Now is not that time. And that is okay.