Quite often when Ben and I would go somewhere I would try to find a rock or two to bring back home with us. This was especially true when we would go to Pleasant Valley Bible Camp. Ben always humored me in my collection of rocks. Though I suspect he thought I was a bit crazy. I would bring the rocks home and incorporate them into my flower bed in front of the house. When we went to Bond Falls over vacation this year, I had to find a rock to bring home as a memento. The picture above is of the rock I brought back home.
When the Israelites finally crossed into the Promised Land, God commanded them to gather 12 stones from the middle of the Jordan River and set up a monument. It was meant to be something so that when their children asked about it they were to explain the story of God’s provision and faithfulness in stopping the waters of the Jordan River allowing them to cross on dry land. My collection of rocks are not quite that profound. They do hold significance in the memories of times spent together as a family though.
As I sit at home on the couch, I am surrounded with many reminders of Ben. There is the clock hanging on the wall that we got as a wedding gift. The couch I am sitting on was the one that Ben wanted. A Brutus the Buckeye bobblehead statue sits on a shelf. There is the secretary desk that was Ben’s grandfather’s that we inherited when his mother passed away. I could go on and on with all the things that are reminders of Ben including this laptop I am typing this out on.
As I try to hold onto things what I am trying to do is to hold on to Ben. The temptation is to hold onto things. But then those things can become an idol of sorts. They can weigh us down and distract us from what God has called us to do. It didn’t take too long after the Israelites entered the land that they turned away from God. They forgot what he had done for them. They didn’t tell their children of God’s provision and faithfulness to them. How often do we try to hold onto something that we need to let go? Maybe it is a job that you know you need to leave. Or maybe it is grown children that are ready to leave the nest. Or maybe it is stuff from loved ones that have passed that holds sentimental value.
It is hard to let go of things no matter what they are. It is hard to let go of Ben and be okay with him being gone. I still wish with every fiber in my being that he was still here. The reality is that he is not. I have to accept that and let my hold on him go. He will always be a part of who I am and I will never forget him. But I can’t stay stuck in grief wishing that things were different.
This Sunday as I sat in church, the pastor read a resignation letter announcing to the church family that he was stepping down as the lead/teaching pastor. I sat there in shock because he is very much loved by my family. One of the last things that he included in his letter was that if anybody was there for him that they were there for the wrong reason. And if he stayed for any of the congregation and didn’t follow God’s leading that he was staying for the wrong reason. He recognized that God is leading him elsewhere. That it is time for him to pass the baton to someone else. Making a decision like that is hard. It is often easier to just continue with how things are. Especially when God hasn’t revealed what his plan is for what is next.
It reminds me of when God called Abram to pack up his family and leave their home and go where God directed them. But at the time the only direction Abram received was to go. Abram had to take the first step before God revealed the next step. God didn’t give him the roadmap of the whole plan at the beginning. He said trust me to lead you as you go. Pastor Dennis will be greatly missed by the people of Bella Vista Church. I know God has good things in store for him. God will use him to further his kingdom. I am sure there are many in the church, including me, that would love to hold onto him and keep him there. But just as I have to let Ben go, the church needs to let Dennis go. I am saddened to see him leave because he has been so helpful to my family as we have walked through the loss of Ben. But at the same time I am excited to see where God leads him and how He will use Dennis. I would love for Dennis to stay but God has other plans. And if I have learned anything over the last 10 months, it’s that God’s plans are not my plans. Often my plans are not even close to His. And I have learned that even in great pain and grief that God is good.
For the Love of Ben 