Time passes so quickly. In the blink of an eye the newborn you brought home from the hospital is celebrating his first birthday. In another blink of an eye and that child is off to kindergarten. Some stages seem like they last forever but years down the road you look back and realize how quickly they went. I think many of us would like to be able to go back in time to relive some of those days. Or maybe to change something. When I was in high school there was a TV show called Quantum Leap. For those that are unfamiliar with the show, the premise is that a scientist discovered a way to time travel within his own lifetime. He would leap into the lives of people to try to make right what once went wrong. He had no control over whose lives he would leap into. It sure would be nice if that could actually happen and some of the terrible events that have happened could be changed. Imagine no school shootings, no COVID, no riots among so many other terrible things that have happened over the last several years.
Unfortunately, there isn’t a scientist that has discovered how to time travel. There is no way to go back in time and change events. All we can do is move forward and deal with the events that have happened. As much as I would like to go back to October 2021 and change what happened, I can’t do that. No matter how much I think about it or wish things were different, nothing can change what has happened. There is a saying that you need to stop staring in the rear view mirror because you aren’t going that way. You need to look through the windshield at where you are and where you are going. When you are driving you only glance occasionally at the rear view mirror. Life is similar. We need to be looking at the road ahead and not staring at the past.
Although many things have settled down and are a bit easier, there is one thing that is a struggle. Coming home. Anytime Sabin and I have gone somewhere for a weekend or longer, the next few days after returning home have been extremely difficult. A couple of weekends ago Sabin and I went to Columbus to go to a Columbus Crew game. We had a great time. We were able to go to the oldest nephew’s football scrimmage, spend the day at a water park and then attend the soccer game. When we are away from home, there isn’t a constant reminder of Ben’s absence. Ben and I often did things separately. He would play basketball and ultimate frisbee. I would travel to see my sister when she lived in KY or spend a weekend crafting with friends. We both attended several ladies and mens retreats while the other held down the fort at home. Going places and doing things without Ben is not as difficult for me. But coming home is.
As soon as I pull in the driveway, the reality that Ben is gone hits me all over again. His car is no longer in the driveway. He is not sitting in the recliner watching TV or on his laptop. He isn’t sitting at the computer playing a game. There was always a peace and comfort to coming home knowing that Ben would be there waiting for me. That is gone. Now I walk into an empty house. There is no one to talk to and tell about the fun I had. No one to greet me with a “how was the trip?”. That is one of the hardest things about the death of a spouse. The loneliness. I have good friends but there is a huge piece missing without Ben. He truly was my best friend. I will miss him until my last breath. I long for the day when we will be reunited on the other side of eternity. What a day of rejoicing that will be!
Until that day, I will live in the here and now. The memories will always be there for me to look back on. But I can’t continue to look in the rear view mirror and wish that things were different. Or dwell on what should be or could have been. God has a greater plan in all that I have been through and will walk through. I don’t know what all of it is right now but I do know that God will use my pain and grief. That is how He works. Just as Romans 8:28 says that God works all things together for good for those that love God. Through all of this, God is working to bring about good. Not just in my life, but I believe He wants to use me in the lives of others.
For the Love of Ben 