Today would have been my 23rd wedding anniversary. The vows Ben and I exchanged on that day almost 23 years ago said “until death do us part”. When we stood there in that church, there was no thought that Ben would be gone so soon. If someone had told us on our wedding day that we would have just over 22 years together I’m sure we would have thought that that was a long time. But looking back now it was not very long at all. And it definitely wasn’t long enough. No bride plans to have to say good-bye forever to her husband when she is in her forties.
Ben and I planned to go to Israel for our 25th anniversary. I was looking forward to going back to Israel and sharing that experience with Ben. He had never been to Israel. That trip together will not happen now. Even just thinking about it brings on the tears. One of the many difficult things about grieving is the things that will never be. The events that Ben will miss. Those events that I will attend alone. The anniversaries, birthdays, graduations, weddings, church services, soccer games, football games. You name it, Ben will miss it.
Last year on this day Ben and I had a full day. We attended the annual fish fry of friends of ours. Then we were off to an ice cream social for married couples at the church we had been attending. It wasn’t the traditional way to spend an anniversary. But then Ben and I tended to not be all that traditional. Of course we had no idea at the time that it would be the last time we would be together here on earth for our anniversary. I am glad that I didn’t know it would be our last. Most things I am better off not knowing in advance. When Ben went in the hospital I would put daily and sometimes twice daily updates on Facebook to keep people informed and so they could be in prayer for Ben. I said on the day he went on the vent that I didn’t know how the journey would end or when. Again I am glad that on that day I didn’t know how things would turn out. As much as we think we want to know the future, it is so much better to live in the moment and face each day as it comes.
I look back over the 22 years of marriage that Ben and I shared and I am so grateful for the years God gave us. We had a very good marriage. We went through our struggles and had our joys as does any marriage. We didn’t have a perfect marriage (nobody does) but we were perfect for each other. We made a great team. When Callie was born we were able to arrange it so Ben worked part time while I worked full time. That meant that we didn’t need daycare for more than just a couple of days. After several months I was able to get a part time position at the company I was at and Ben went to full time and I worked part time. It was a great partnership that we had.
In a few short days it will mark 10 months since Ben left his earthly body and entered heaven. I don’t like the fact that he is not here anymore. I don’t like sitting in church without him. I don’t like having to mow the grass. I don’t like having to make sure all the bills are paid. I don’t like cooking for two people instead of three. I don’t like not having Ben to talk to. Even though there are so many things that I don’t like about Ben’s death, I have many things to be grateful for in spite of it. I can dwell on all the negatives and be depressed and bitter and be miserable. Or I can choose to be thankful for the blessings that I have been given. And that includes 22 wonderful years of marriage.
For the Love of Ben 