The loss of a loved one can be and often is a very traumatic event. Trauma changes the brain. It changes how we think and process things. It is quite amazing how the brain works. Most of us have certain things that trigger good memories. Maybe it is the sight of a Christmas tree that brings back happy memories from your childhood. Or the smell of cookies baking bringing to mind time spent with grandma making cookies.
Just as your brain makes connections of good memories, it will also associate things and events to bad memories or traumatic events. A location, a smell, a song and so many other things can cause a new wave of grief. I can remember after my mother-in-law passed away, standing in the same church where her memorial service was. As I stood there we sang one of the hymns we sang at her memorial service. I couldn’t sing that hymn that day as tears trickled down my cheeks. My brain associated singing that hymn in that same church with the sadness of the death of my wonderful mother-in-law.
This Saturday is the big Michigan versus Michigan State football game. When I think about it I can’t help but remember receiving the worst news I have ever received as that game played on the TV in Ben’s room in the ICU. I sat in a chair next to his bed as the doctor told me that Ben had zero chance of recovery. I didn’t know at that time that less than 24 hours later Ben’s life on earth would end. That game will always have that negative memory attached to it. I love college football and always looked forward to watching that game. That day in the hospital, that game meant nothing to me.
Soon I will enter year 2 without my Ben. One of the things that was said in one of the GriefShare videos is that year 2 can be worse than year 1. When I heard that I thought there is no way that it could get worse. It has been a very hard year. There have been lots of good things but there is always the realization that Ben is missing. The GriefShare group that I have attended has been so helpful. In the early days after Ben’s death we walked through Thanksgiving and Christmas. I don’t know how we managed except through the prayers of so many. This year is sure to be different than last year. The shock and numbness has worn off.
The one year anniversary of Ben’s death is just a few days away. The last few weeks have been hard as memories of days in the hospital come to mind. Facebook has a memories feature that has reminded me each day what was happening with Ben. In the months after Ben’s death the What If question and the Why question went through my mind often. Those questions don’t come to mind very often anymore. It took some time for that to happen. The brain has a way of processing through things like that. No matter what the answer would be to those questions, it won’t change what happened.
One of the verses this week in the GriefShare video talked about how God has our days numbered. I remember the first time I watched that video and worked through the workbook for that week. In my head I knew that was true, but my heart did not want to accept it. It can take six or more months for your heart to accept what your head knows. I still wish it wasn’t true but I know that it is.
For the Love of Ben 