On this day one year ago I stood next to Ben’s bed in the ICU and watched as he passed from this life. I had my sister, my kids and son-in-law in that room with me. It was the hardest thing I have ever been through. My life changed forever that day. Nobody plans to be a widow at 46 years old but that was the reality I was facing that day. I had spent many hours in the hospital with Ben the preceding 3 weeks. When I took him to the ER I never imagined that we would walk out of the hospital without him. That we would leave there to have to plan a funeral for Ben.
There are many things in life that you will never understand unless you experience them. The death of a spouse is one of those. You cannot fully comprehend how awful it is until you have experienced it. What you think it would be like is nothing compared to what it is actually like. The loss is so much deeper than you could ever imagine. One of the hardest things is the loneliness. Ben and I shared everything. To no longer have his companionship has been hard.
Over the 22 years Ben and I were married, our lives had melded together. Suddenly that was ripped apart. It was as if my anchor had broken and I was now adrift in the ocean, alone. Ben really was my best friend. He loved me way more than I ever deserved. He spoiled me often. When my family met with the pastors to plan Ben’s funeral service, the common theme that summed up Ben was passionate. Ben had a passion for life and for others. He had a servants heart. He loved people. I am pretty sure he could fix just about anything with the help of YouTube and Google.
Ben and I met at college in Chicago. He always said the only reason he got into Moody Bible Institute was because he wanted to be in the brand new Applied Linguistics major they were starting his first year. He wasn’t always the best student. Despite his mother being a reading recovery teacher, reading was not a passion of Ben’s. And there is lots of reading in college. I don’t remember the first time I met Ben. Being in downtown Chicago, the residence life staff would match up a men’s floor with a ladies floor. Those were known as brother-sister floors or as they became known, bro-sis floors. This allowed us ladies a group of guys to call upon should we need to run to the store for something. We could call one of the guys on our brother floor to escort us.
Ben was on my brother floor my senior year. The funny thing is that when the year started, none of us girls liked Ben. He was known for not having a filter and saying things that were interpreted as mean. I remember Ben telling me that early in the year at lunch or dinner I had said something sarcastic which got his attention. However he never pursued me that first semester. Moody Bible Institute had gotten the nickname of Moody Bridal Institute. I entered my final semester at Moody single and unattached. Over the Christmas break I determined that I was perfectly content to graduate that way as well. God had other plans however. Shortly after Founder’s Week, the first week of February, Ben began his pursuit of me. If there was a group from our bro-sis getting together and I was there, Ben was there as well. He made sure to try to be wherever I was as often as possible. As part of the bro-sis, we had designated tables in the Student Dining Room and designated rows in chapel. So it wasn’t hard for him to find me and make sure he was there too.
He spent a considerable amount of time just being a friend to me. We enjoyed each other’s company and spending time together. A favorite activity for our bro-sis was walks to 7-11 to get Slurpees. Sometimes it would be just Ben and I taking a walk to get a Slurpee. Eventually Ben decided to ask me to be his girlfriend. At that point it was about 6 weeks before graduation. I didn’t know what to say so I told him I would think about it. We met a week or so later to talk. I had the hardest time telling him no. I enjoyed the friendship we had built but I was not interested in a long distance relationship. Ben still had one more year before he would graduate. I was finally able to give him my answer. I fully expected that that would be the last time he would talk to me. Or that things would be awkward between us. Much to my surprise, when he came to dinner that night, it was as if nothing between us had changed. We were still good friends and still could talk to each other without it being awkward. It was at that point that I started to reconsider my decision. Even though he didn’t get the answer he had hoped for, he still wanted to be friends.
On our last night on campus together before my graduation, Ben got tickets to Phantom of the Opera for us. Afterwards we walked around Chicago for awhile and ended up at a nearby park. We found a bench and both knew that we needed to decide what we were going to do. Were we going to go our separate ways and remain just friends? Or were we going to pursue something more? My last objection was that I didn’t want to lock Ben into a long distance relationship and have him not enjoy his senior year. He didn’t care about that. He cared about me. So on my last day on campus, my status changed to single and attached. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made. Though we had our tough times, we had many laughs and fun times. I wouldn’t have wanted to walk through those 23 years with anyone else by my side. And that is why it is so hard to not have him beside me anymore.
I take comfort in the fact that I will see Ben again. I also take comfort in knowing that God is holding me and that He will strengthen me and help me as it says in Isaiah 41:10.
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
For the Love of Ben 