Joy

The Christmas season is upon us. Christmas lights decorate houses everywhere you go. Christmas music plays in the stores and on radio stations. Stores and malls are decorated. The Christmas season is a joyous season. That is until you are walking through it in the aftermath of the death of a loved one. This year will be the second Christmas without Ben. In some ways it will be harder this year than last year. Last year I was on autopilot. I was just trying to survive the holidays. We didn’t really celebrate Christmas as much as just go through the motions and do most things the same as we have for the past several years.

I know that I could sit around and be sour during the Christmas season. But there is still joy in Christmas. I can celebrate that because of a baby born in Bethlehem over two thousand years ago, I have hope. The hope that I will see Ben again. The assurance that he is in the presence of his savior. While I may be sad and grief stricken, that cannot consume me. Even though I am missing Ben, there is still a wonder to the season. There is joy to be had. We can move forward and celebrate Christmas while at the same time miss Ben’s presence.

I have tried to do that this year. I bought tickets to three different Christmas concerts. Last Friday my sister and I enjoyed Hark Up Christmas. It was a fun night of Christmas songs and dance and I even won a prize. The performers are local singers and dancers. I couldn’t help but see Ben doing something like that. He loved to sing.

On Saturday I took a fellow widow to the Grand Rapids Symphony Holiday Pops. It was fantastic. We both enjoyed it so much. Not only did the GR Symphony play but they had the GR Symphony Choir, the GR Youth Choir, Embellish (a handbell ensemble) and Denzel Sinclaire singing. They sang and played many of the traditional Christmas carols. It was well worth the cost of the tickets and parking.

This Saturday Sabin and I will be attending a Christmas concert with the group Selah hosted by Moody Radio Grand Rapids. I am excited to go to that one as well. Christmas music is some of my favorite music. Especially the traditional Christmas carols.

I would have loved it if Ben could have been with me for each of the concerts. We would have had fun and enjoyed each of them as well as each other’s company. Instead I was able to take a different person to each one and enjoy spending time with each of them. It isn’t the same without Ben, but nothing is the same anymore.

Change comes whether we want it to or not. As a child, time seemed to drag by. As I have grown older time seems to have accelerated. It passes much more quickly now. Our children grow up so quickly. It feels as if one day they were born, then I blinked and they were heading off to kindergarten. My sister and I were chatting the other day and I mentioned a goal to have something accomplished by Valentine’s Day. She said that seemed like so far away. To me that feels like it will be here next week. It has now been just over 13 months since Ben entered the gates of heaven. I don’t know how it could possibly have been that long already. Yet there are days where it feels like it was just last week. The tears still come daily. They probably will be a daily occurrence for quite some time still. And that is okay. Through the tears I can still celebrate the joy of the Christmas season.