Faithful

I flipped the calendar from January to February last week. The end of January marked 15 months since Ben’s last heartbeat. Life goes on and time doesn’t slow down. When I reflect back over the last 15 months, so much has happened. So many things that Ben has missed. His absence is very noticeable much of the time. He is missed at Sabin’s soccer games. He is missed at church. He is missed when we get a foot of snow and the sidewalk needs to be shoveled. He is missed when Sabin has to miss winter training because Ben is not here to take him. He is missed when I climb in bed and he isn’t there. He is missed when I hear that the school he worked at has a snow day and I remember how he loved snow days and days when teachers and students weren’t in the building.

Another thing that I really miss is Ben’s faithfulness. He was faithful to his work. He was faithful to our God and the church. He was faithful to his family. He could be trusted. Trusted to do the work asked of him at his job. Trusted to take care of the kids when I was out of town. Trusted to help out those in need. Callie and Sabin are blessed to have had a living example of what a faithful father is. Not everybody has that. They have seen a glimpse of God’s faithfulness because it was evident and lived out in Ben’s life.

I have begun reading another book even though I haven’t finished the last one I started. This one I came across because of a Facebook group for widows raising children. The book is titled “Life Can Be Good Again” and it is written by Lisa Appelo. The byline of the book is “putting your world back together after it all falls apart”. One of the chapters talks about God’s faithfulness. When someone goes through a tragedy, many will walk away from their faith and the church. They mistakenly believe that because they have experienced tragedy that God is not faithful. That He doesn’t love them enough to prevent it. But God doesn’t change. He is always faithful. He has never defaulted on His promises. God didn’t promise me that Ben and I would have a long life together. Or that I would always have Ben beside me. He promised to be with me through everything. He has promised to meet my needs.

God has carried me this far. He didn’t do that to drop me now. He will continue to carry me through and uphold me in His hands. Too often we can place our faith in people or things and allow those things to replace God. But when tragedy strikes, and that person or those things are stripped away we are laid bare. Our foundation that seemed to be solid is revealed to show the holes that are there. The death of Ben does not change the unchangeable promises of God. His faithfulness never fails or falters or alters. God has a perfect record on promise keeping.

The last couple of months have been pretty tough for me. There are days when I would rather just curl up in bed and shut out the world while I have a pity party. Life is not fair. Nobody ever promised that it would be. Life also often doesn’t go according to our plans. On the road I had mapped out, it did not include the death of Ben at the age of 44. But here I am. The plan I had has been altered drastically. Despite that, God is faithful to carry me through. He has provided me a job that covers our bills and provides health insurance for Sabin and me. We have a house to live in that is paid for. I have money in the bank. I have wonderful friends that pray for me. I have 2 wonderful church families that love me well. God is meeting all our needs. He is even generous to give us more than we need.

These words of the hymn Be Still, My Soul are full of the same truths of God’s faithfulness.

​Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side;
bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
leave to thy God to order and provide;
in ev’ry change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heav’nly Friend
thro’ thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
to guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
all now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice, who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
and all is darkened in the veil of tears,
then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
from His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hast’ning on
when we shall be forever with the Lord,
when disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past,
all safe and blessed we shall meet at last.