Life goes on

I received two peace lily plants from friends when Ben died. I have never been one to keep plants alive. I killed succulents. Those are supposed to be hard to kill and easy to care for. I nearly killed off my peace lilies too. I had put them in the kitchen and would forget to water them until they were all wilted over. Thankfully nineteen months later they are still alive. I moved them to my office so I spend quite a bit of time in the same room as them. They are a bit sparse compared to when I received them but I can see a bunch of new leaves growing.

Those peace lilies remind me of how it is to go through grief. It feels like losing a loved one is going to kill you. That you won’t survive their loss. The peace lilies were full and beautiful when I received them. Then through the next several months they struggled and did not flourish. The leaves died off. They were sparse and the leaves were half brown. But through diligent care and watering, they are making a come back. They are sprouting many new leaves. They will be filling out as the leaves continue to grow.

In some ways I am a lot like those peace lilies. I was full and thriving. Then tragedy struck and half of me died. Every day was a struggle. Just as neglecting the peace lilies caused them to not flourish, neglecting self-care after the loss of a spouse makes it hard to be healthy. When your world is turned upside down suddenly, the main task is to survive. To just make it through that day. So many things don’t matter anymore. The shock is so great that you don’t even think about taking care of yourself. It is hard to get to sleep and stay asleep. Food isn’t enjoyable. Everything is a struggle.

Over time life does begin to level out. Life goes on even though nothing is the same. The world doesn’t stop for the grieving. The sun continues to rise each morning and set each evening. Things will never be the same for those that have experienced the death of a loved one who was much too young. We have to figure out how to go on with life. How to live with a new and unexpected reality. It takes time. For some it is a short amount of time. And for others it is a long amount of time. Just as our relationship with the departed was unique so our grief in losing that person is unique.

I am nineteen months into this journey and it is still hard. This time of year seems to be particularly hard. The school year has come to an end. Soccer season has drawn to a close. It seems like that most things are reminders that Ben is not here. And it is hard having to do everything alone. I am the one that has to make all the decisions with no one with which to discuss things. I am thankful however for a God that I can turn to for wisdom.