Well loved

Every day is hard, some are harder. That is one thing that I tell people who want to know how I am doing or how things are going for us. At the beginning of the summer we got no rain. That meant that the grass didn’t grow and was pretty brown. Once we got some rain it seemed like it rained nearly every day. The grass greened up and grew. . . a lot. Of course that means more need to mow. Ben was my grass mower so I never had to worry about that. Now that responsibility falls on me on top of everything else that I need to take care of. It is hard.

Some days and weeks life bumps along and things are going smoothly. But then out of nowhere something will happen and life goes off the tracks. Sabin was at camp the last week of July and first week of August. That meant it was just me and the cats. I dislike cooking for two, cooking for one is even worse. A friend was going to be in town Sabin’s second week at camp so we arranged to go to one of our favorite fast food restaurants, Chipotle. While we were eating I noticed that I had an email stating I had a voicemail on our home phone number. I looked at it and saw it was from my friend’s husband. He asked me to call him. I didn’t think much of it as his wife was sitting across from me. She texted him and let him know she would call him when she got home from dinner.

I dropped her off at her house and while we were chatting her husband pulled in the driveway. He had driven up from his house an hour away to her house here in my town because he was worried about her and couldn’t get ahold of her or any of her friends. When he pulled in and got out of the car I commented that he looked angry. He was pretty upset. He said a few things and then got back in the car and drove an hour back home. It was rather strange. My friend seemed unfazed and attributed the behavior to a couple of strokes her husband has had. She often comes up to her house and he doesn’t excessively worry about her. I wished her a good night and returned home.

It wasn’t until the next day that the events of the prior evening really hit me. I no longer had anyone that cared about me as much as Ben cared about me. I was a wreck when that hit me. I know my family and friends care about me and love me. But there is something different about a husband and his love for his wife. Even if the whole world is against her, he will stand with her. He will do things that may not be logical because he cares about her so much. I miss having that. Ben was always supportive of me and always there to cheer me on. I really couldn’t have asked for a better husband.

It is little moments like that make life hard. Others aren’t doing things that they wouldn’t normally do. But sometimes those normal everyday events can bring a fresh wave of grief over me. A widow friend from church and I were talking a few weeks ago. She said she had gone for a walk and couldn’t help but notice all the couples out walking or biking together. People she doesn’t know doing normal things. But in our world it highlights to us what we no longer have. So if you have a widow or widower friend and they suddenly break down or need to leave, it very well could be one of those ordinary things that brings on a wave of grief. There is no way to know what will trigger a new wave. It is just a part of our life now. Our perspective has changed. Our view of our world is very different now.