Grief is a word I didn’t want to deal with. Yet here I am walking with my best friend, my twin sister through her grief. I remember walking with her as her husband was in the hospital and being the optimistic person that I am, planning a party for when he got out. Unfortunately that is not how things turned out. Ben lost his battle with Covid and even 2 years later I still don’t get it. I mean it’s not mine to understand. In the book of Job, God never told Job the reason why the things that happened to him happened. We are promised that God will use what we define as “bad” for our good. But in the meantime it is so hard.
So how do we support someone that is grieving so great a loss? Two years ago I would have had no clue. And I still don’t have all the answers but I do know what I have done.
First of all is pray for that person. We cannot understand the grief that the person is going through. Even if we have walked that valley, we don’t know how they will deal with the grief. So pray for God’s arms to be around that person.
Second, when you see that person, don’t be afraid to talk about their loved one. It may bring tears to both of you but that’s OK. Remember you saw their loved one in a different light. Maybe you worked with the loved one and have stories of some of the things that he/she did at work. Or you saw them out and about and had a funny story about the loved one. Tell it. That lets the person know that you haven’t forgotten their loved one and it gives them another happy memory.
Understand the grieving process. Don’t compare them to someone else’s journey or even your own unless it is appropriate. While there are some things that all people go through in the grieving process, nobody does it at the same pace. Some may struggle with anger and others it may be loneliness. Everyone is different.
Be willing to listen a lot and talk less. We all struggle with what to say to a person who is grieving. And realize that sometimes it will be all about their loved one and sometimes it will be about the things we all struggle with in our daily lives.
Let the person cry. It is painful to see your loved one or friend in so much pain that tears are shed. But it is a part of the grief journey.
Ask questions. Maybe you didn’t know their loved one well and you would like to know more about him/her. Also ask how they are doing emotionally, how they are handling getting things taken care of (running kids around or getting minor repairs done, etc.). Maybe there is something that you can do that would help the person. Ask if there is anything that needs done around the house or on their vehicle.
Remember important dates. After the loss of a loved one those are especially hard days because it is like a fresh wound reminding you have lost someone. Something so simple as a text saying I am praying for you today. You don’t even have to say why. The person knows you know.
I believe that if God puts someone on your heart then you need to take action. Even if that is just a Slushie from Speedway or if you treat them to a meal out. Include the person in anything that you would have invited them to if they had not lost a loved one. And always have the attitude that if the person doesn’t think they can do it (it is just too hard emotionally at the time) they can decline your offer. Don’t be offended or judge them.
Something that I recently saw is not saying, “Let me know if you need anything.” How many times have we heard the same thing. And at the time we couldn’t think of anything. A grieving person doesn’t know what he/she needs. If you are at the store, send a text and ask if they need anything picked up. They may be having a hard day and not want to go to the store and run into someone. Something so simple could be a lifesaver for a grieving person. Be specific in your offers. Hey—I got some free time, I am coming over to mow your yard or shovel your driveway. Things their loved one would have done or things you do for your spouse and kids.
I have seen so many people step up and do things for my sister and am so thankful for the love that has been shown to her. Keep serving and showing yours and God’s love.
For the Love of Ben 