Decisions

Decisions, decisions, decisions. Everyday is full of decisions. We all make many decisions each day. From what to wear to what to eat to what TV show to watch or what book to read. Most decisions we make are routine. Often they don’t have a right or a wrong answer. Then comes along the big decisions like buying a new car or a house or what course of treatment for a medical condition. When we were children many decisions were made for us and our chance to make our own decisions was limited. As we became adults, we had to make more decisions for ourselves. Then when we got married the decisions were no longer made alone. There was now a partnership. Small decisions could still be made independently but the big decisions would be made together.

The conventional wisdom is that after the death of a spouse that you should not make major decisions for at least a year. Of course sometimes due to loss of income or other circumstances, big decisions like selling a house, have to be made. After the death of a spouse, one of the hardest things to do alone is to make major decisions. The one person that you always worked together with on major decisions is gone. It is up to you alone.

Sometimes it seems like it would be nice to not have to consult the spouse on some decisions. It would be nice to make a decision and the other person would just go along with it. But when there is no choice but to make decisions alone it can be very difficult. It can be easy to second guess yourself. Even if you seek out advice from others, they don’t have the same stake in the decision as you do. And they don’t have the same perspective that your spouse would have had.

I have had to make many, many decisions over the course of the last 2.5 years. It started right away within an hour or two of death. What funeral home are you using? Cremation or embalming and burial? Obituary, visitations, funeral plans, memorial contribution designation, etc. It can be overwhelming.

I remember when I took a job with the company I currently work for. Ben and I were talking about the possibility. I was going through the pros and the cons. Ben said to me “it sounds like you already have your mind made up”. He was right. But I wanted to be sure that with a decision like that, that he was in agreement and didn’t have reasons to not switch jobs that I hadn’t thought of yet. Though it meant a bit of a pay cut and the loss of some of the benefits that I had, he supported me in the decision. It has worked out well for us. God was providing back then for me to be able to weather the storm of his loss with a job that paid well and that allowed me flexibility that I would need in Ben’s absence.

Some day there may be an opportunity for me to leave my current job for something different. If and when that time comes, I will miss having Ben by my side to talk to about it.