In the days and weeks after Ben died, one of my best friends told me that she didn’t know what to say. She didn’t want to say the wrong thing but she also had no clue what to say. It isn’t unusual that people don’t know what to say. When you haven’t walked through a similar experience and can’t understand the deep pain and grief, it is hard to know what to say.
I can remember when a family friend unexpectedly died thinking how hard that must be for her husband. I had no concept of how extremely difficult the death of a spouse truly is. If you asked any widow or widower what was the most hurtful or unhelpful thing someone said to them, you would hear a wide range of things. I feel fortunate that I have been shielded from a lot of hurtful and unhelpful things being said to me.
One of the most common things that people want to do is to share a Scripture verse with the griever. The one that gets quoted often is Romans 8:28, “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose”. Just because something is true, doesn’t mean it needs to be said at that time. There is great truth in that verse. However, in the aftermath of the death of a spouse, that is not what is helpful to hear. To the griever you might as well tell him/her to get over it and move on. We know that God is sovereign and that the death did not take Him by surprise. That God allowed the death. We don’t need a reminder of that in those first few days, weeks, months when we are hurting so much.
In the midst of the shock of loss, what most grieving spouses want is to have their spouse back. A griever doesn’t have the luxury of perspective. They are hurting. They have just had their best friend slip from this life. There is nothing that can prepare a person for what is next. Tears flow abundantly and often. Their world has just been thrown into chaos and the one person that would have helped to make sense of things is gone. A Bible verse that says that God will work this horrible situation out for good is not what is helpful in that moment. Save the Bible verses for later. Instead say, “I am praying for you”. And if you have been praying already, tell them that too.
For the Love of Ben 