“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” Most of us are familiar with this saying. It was an often repeated saying on the playground at school. But what most of us also know is that the second half is not true. Words have great power. They can do great damage. There are many verses in the Bible that talk about the power of words and of the tongue. In James 3 the tongue is described as having great power to destroy and is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.
What we say has the power to build up and encourage or it has the power to tear down and destroy. We should strive to be careful with what we say. If you talk to anybody that has had a spouse or child die almost all of them would be able to tell you several things that were said to them in the days, weeks and months after the death of their loved one that were not helpful. This weekend I am attending a widow’s retreat. One speaker mentioned people saying things to him that were not helpful and were actually hurtful after the tragic death of his son in a climbing accident.
It is hard to know what to say so many will resort to trite sayings or say something to fill the air. Two things that I have heard over and over that other grievers have been told that were not helpful are “he/she is in a better place” or “he/she is no longer suffering or in pain”. While those are true statements, they do not bring comfort to the griever. We know on an intellectual level that our loved one is in a better place or is no longer in pain, but that doesn’t take away the pain that he/she is not here.
At the end of the speaker’s time he opened it up to questions. He was asked what were some helpful things that people said to him. The question caught him off guard so he had to think about it. But the number one thing that he said was most helpful was when people would talk about his son and memories they had with him. When people share memories or talk about the loved one it is gives a sense that the person is alive again. It also says to the griever that the loved one mattered and that he made a difference in their lives.
The next time you go to a visitation or a funeral, hug those grieving, tell them you are praying for them and share a story about the loved one. And keep sharing the stories you have because often the griever has not heard the story before. And the griever loves to hear them even when it causes us to tear up.
For the Love of Ben 