It’s the little things

As I sat in my office today tears were streaming down my cheeks. I noticed that the Kleenex I pulled out of the box was now a light peach color where the one before it was white. It seems like a little thing but the people at Kleenex put a different color of tissue at the end of the box as a kind of warning that you are close to running out. I never noticed that before. Probably because I rarely needed Kleenex. Ben was always finding good deals for things. He found a deal on Kleenex and ordered a large quantity of boxes of Kleenex. Little did he know I would be going through them so quickly these last few months. It is that kind of little thing that I miss.

I was thinking about what I should make for dinner tonight. I have some chili in the freezer I could thaw and heat up. Then I would want tortilla chips to go with it and we need some more shredded cheese. Before October 11th I would have texted Ben and asked him to pick those things up on his way home from work. I rarely go anywhere during the day and he was always willing to stop at the store to pick up a few things for me. Quite often he would text me that he was running into WalMart or Menard’s and ask if I needed anything. I miss that.

The spring soccer season will be here before I know it. And in thinking of that, Ben took Sabin to soccer practice this fall. While they were at practice I would make dinner and have it ready for them when they returned home. Now I will be the soccer practice runner and won’t be able to stay home to make dinner. I will miss that too.

We have had a few snow storms this winter already. Ben always got up early. When it had snowed overnight he would bundle up and head out to shovel the sidewalk and driveway. Now that task falls to me. Thankfully this year has been light on the snow but I do miss that act of servanthood from him.

As I drive to church or other events that we would have gone to together, I think about how Ben was always the driver. I rarely drove when we were in the car together. I miss just being able to relax while he drove. In the car was also where we talked quite a bit. Sometimes we would ride in relative silence but other times we had a lot to talk about. I miss those times.

The smoke detector was chirping at me yesterday. We happened to have a few extra 9 volt batteries so I switched it out and ended the chirping. Then I decided I needed to check on the one that is in the kitchen. We had pulled the battery out quite awhile ago. I put a fresh one in it and it immediately began blaring out its signal. I guess that is why the battery was out of it. When Ben put the smoke detectors up he wrote the date on the bottom. I noticed that the one in the kitchen said January 07. As they should only last about 10 years maximum it was no surprise the thing was sounding its alarm. Before I would have told Ben about the chirping and he would have fixed it. And he would have noticed the date and realized we needed to get new smoke detectors. I miss my handyman who would take care of things like that for me.

It is all those little things and so many more that I miss the most. They seem so insignificant but when you lose that person you realize that they were the important things. I even miss the little things that Ben did that annoyed me. Oh to have to deal with those annoyances from him again. To get wet socks when he tracked snow through the house. To have to put his dirty clothes that he put in the wrong bin in the correct one. To have to poke him when he was snoring. Him watching some of the crazy TV shows or shoot ’em up movies that he liked. Those things are but memories now. But I will hold them dear–both the good and the annoying.