Secret keeper

Sometimes someone or something comes to mind and I become a wreck. That happened a couple of times yesterday. There are times where I just miss Ben so much. So many things that I wish he was here for me to tell him about. Over the years it seems I have become known as someone you could trust to keep a secret. If someone told me something and asked me to not tell anybody I would honor that with one exception. Quite often I would tell Ben. Keeping a secret is hard. And keeping a secret from your spouse is even harder. I knew I could trust Ben to keep the secret as well. With Ben gone I have lost my secret keeper partner.

When my mind wanders and I think about what has happened the last few months, it still doesn’t seem real or possible that Ben is gone. I think about all the days I spent in the hospital with him and find it hard to believe that he really isn’t here anymore. I know it in my head but my heart doesn’t want to accept or believe it. This isn’t the way it was supposed to be.

I was able to get a hard drive with a number of recordings of the church services in 2014 and 2015. I was looking for videos of Ben singing. Though I didn’t find as many as I wanted, I did find a decent number of them. Ben had an amazing range and always made sure that he did an excellent job whenever he would sing. There were even a couple of videos where he is reading Scripture passages. I miss hearing his voice. It is a comfort to play the videos of him singing and reading Scripture and hearing his voice. I miss standing beside him at church and us singing. I can’t carry a tune in a bushel basket. Ben made up for that! I imagine that he is singing praise to Jesus in heaven. With all those with good singing voices that are already there, the heavenly choir of the saints has to be fantastic.

Ben and I had so many good memories together. Sabin and I will periodically talk about Ben and the things that he liked. I like to talk about Ben with others. He was definitely one of a kind. I look forward to the day I will be reunited with him. Although I sometimes wonder if it will really be so exciting to see him again when I will be in the presence of Jesus. Either way I eagerly await that day. Until then I will live in the in-between.