Grace

As Ben was in the hospital and after his passing, I had numerous opportunities to show grace to those around me. When Ben went in the hospital there were several people that reached out with information that was helpful for them when they had COVID. Others reached out with advice on how Ben should be treated or not treated. While I know every single person was trying to be helpful and wanted the best for Ben, most of the advice and information was not helpful and in some cases was hurtful to me.

Dealing with what others say to us was one of the things discussed in the GriefShare video last week. It seems like it is easier to extend grace to people we know because we know their heart. It can be difficult to do the same for strangers. We don’t know them or their motives so it can be easy to assume the worst. And such is the nature of grief, something random a stranger says can bring the next wave of grief crashing in. And it’s not just what others say. It is what they do as well. Even the most innocent and normal things. A couple at the grocery store together is normal but when your spouse is gone, something as innocent as that can be difficult. Although Ben and I rarely grocery shopped together, when I was at the store last night I had an awareness of all the couples that were shopping together.

Last week was a difficult week for me as we returned from Florida. It was a great getaway but then we had to return to reality and being surrounded by constant reminders of Ben’s absence. I can understand why many people will choose to move after the death of their spouse. EVERYTHING in this house is a reminder of Ben. All the unfinished projects, the Wii we won at his work party, the couches we picked out together, the dishwasher he bought and installed, and the list goes on and on. Coming back to all the constant reminders made last week more difficult than I expected. The week definitely had more tears than previous weeks. But that is how grief tends to go. Just when things seem to be leveling out, BAM, another wave hits you and pulls you under.

There are more tough days ahead. Life can be pretty terrible sometimes. What has been hard for me is to hear and read about treatments for COVID and what they are doing now in regards to COVID. I read an article that talked about an Operation Warp Speed type program to develop new therapeutics and prophylactics. Thousands of lives could have been saved if they had done that 2 years ago instead of throwing their money into a “vaccine” that doesn’t do what they said it was going to do. It is hard not be angry at those that made the awful decisions to restrict doctors and not allow them to try existing medications. To put their focus on a medication that was a failure for Ebola and is equally as ineffective against COVID. I try to limit the articles and information that I read because they make me angry. And being angry will not bring Ben back. I need to show those people grace too. And that is hard to do.