God is good

“God is good” are the last words that Ben ever said to me this side of heaven. Before he was put on the ventilator we had a few moments together to give each other hugs and say good-bye for a few weeks. When I walked out of his hospital room that afternoon to allow the medical team to put him on the ventilator, I expected that within 2 weeks he would be waking up having beat COVID. It never crossed my mind that there would be any other outcome. I don’t think Ben thought that just 2 weeks later he would enter the gates of heaven having never taken a breath on his own again.

There are days that as I look back on how things transpired that I question whether we should have taken the course that we did. Had we known back then that he wouldn’t come off the ventilator alive, would we have chosen to continue to fight through the pain and discomfort? I remember being in his hospital room after he was put on the ventilator wishing that I could know how things would turn out and how long Ben would be there. I am glad that I didn’t know ahead of time what the outcome was going to be.

One of things we talked about in the GriefShare group I attend is lamenting, which is complaining to God. One of the leaders asked us if we thought it was acceptable to lament before viewing the video. I took a Psalms class when I was at Moody so I learned all the different types of psalms that are in the Bible. One of those types is lament psalms. If the writers of those psalms were allowed to lament to God, then surely it is okay for me as well. In fact just the day before GriefShare that is what I was doing before I went to bed. I told God that it isn’t fair that Ben is gone. I don’t like it one bit. That it makes no sense to me. And that there are plenty of despicable people that He could have taken instead of Ben. God understands and can handle me complaining to Him.

I don’t know what God’s plan is to use Ben’s death for His kingdom. It is hard for me to not know. I know God is sovereign and He is good. But there is a part of me that wants answers to the Why? questions. I can endure the pain and grief if I can just see a reason for it. When I had talked to the pastor at the church I am attending, I had mentioned that it took years to see how God has used the death of my mother-in-law in our lives. She died eighteen and a half years ago now. I commented that I hope it doesn’t take that long to see God using Ben’s death. The pastor’s response was that it could. Not necessarily what I wanted to hear at that time.

Graciously God gave me a glimpse of something that has been a positive as a result of Ben’s death. Ten years ago we bought a house with the intent of renting it to a friend who needed a place to go but was finding it difficult to find someplace that was affordable for her. We found a house to buy and closed on it. After a month or so of painting and getting a few repairs completed, our friend moved in. She lived there until recently. When she moved out I had new flooring and carpet put in. I had the kitchen redone. When the contractor was there and we were talking about the projects he suggested that I replace the bathtub and shower surround. I hadn’t intended on doing anything in the bathroom but decided, why not update the bathroom too. What the contractor found when he tore out the bathtub and shower was busted pipes and mold. Nobody had any way of knowing about the bad pipes or the mold that was festering on the drywall unless the bathtub was torn out. Thankfully the mold was confined to just the drywall and had not worked its way into any of the wood studs.

Fast forward to Friday when Sabin and I went to the musical at the high school. Our former renter was there. She has a lung condition which requires her to be on oxygen. She told me that she had been to her pulmonologist who told her that her breathing/lungs were the best they have been since 2014. She has been able to reduce the amount of oxygen she needs, she doesn’t cough as much and she is not tired all the time. And I think she looked better than she has in a long time. I told her about the mold we found and that that is probably why she has improved (because with her condition you don’t usually improve that significantly). She figured that it was just the progression of her lung condition but it seems as though it was the mold that was causing her issues. If Ben had not died, I don’t know if she would have still moved out. If she hadn’t, we would have had no reason to suspect mold and she would have continued to struggle with her breathing.

Now the mold is gone. Our former renter is enjoying life again and able to do more than she has been able to in quite some time. God is so good!