Strength

Somehow 5 months have already passed since Ben left this earth and entered the gates of heaven. In some ways it feels like it was just yesterday and other ways it seems like it was a lifetime ago. Sabin and I have managed to muddle through the last 5 months without Ben. People often ask me how Sabin is doing. He seems to be managing well. Soccer season is on the horizon so our lives will soon become much busier. He also joined the middle school track team. He said he is going to do shot put. That was Ben’s event in high school. Oh that Ben were here to see Sabin throw the shot put and help him.

Something that I have heard over the last 6 months is comments on my strength through all of this. I suppose those looking from the outside may see strength but I certainly don’t feel strong. I feel weak and completely unprepared to live life without Ben. But life does go on and I can’t stop living. Sabin and I were in the car the other day and I had Moody radio on again. The program was talking about finding God while suffering. One thing they talked about was how home builders don’t lay down a foundation when it is storming and raining. They do it when the weather is nice. They likened that to laying a foundation of faith. A strong foundation of faith is laid in those times that are good. Then when the storms of life come, we can stand strong. The storms may strengthen you in the end but without a strong foundation we will be no better than the foolish man that builds his house on the sand.

The other day I finished reading the book Blindsided. It is the story of a pastor and the death of his son in a freak track meet accident at Wheaton College. His son was volunteering at the meet and was struck in the head with a hammer as the hammer throw participants were taking their warm up throws. His son was just 19 years old and had a bright future ahead of him. He was on fire for God and was being used in many ways to reach others with the gospel. The author struggled through making sense of his son’s death. That is certainly something anybody that has lost someone “well before their time” can identify with. Ben’s death at age 44 was not in my plans. I would have never chosen this path. I remember asking what the heck God was doing in allowing Ben to die. There was so much more that Ben could have done for God. The title of the book is very fitting. I was definitely blindsided. We often live our lives as if we have many more years to live. We don’t expect that a life will end, in our estimation, too soon.

When Ben was sick at home I remarked to my sister that I wouldn’t be surprised if he had COVID. The thought never crossed my mind that it would be anything more than a week or so of sickness. Even when they admitted him to the hospital, I thought he would be there a week or so and then would be back home to finish recovering. I was convinced that he would recover. He had zero risk factors for COVID to take his life. When he went on the ventilator I was still confident that he would be off it after 10-14 days and then we could get him back home and go on with life. And then when the doctor told me on that Saturday that she couldn’t give me any chance that he would recover, I felt blindsided and like I was punched in the gut. That was not supposed to be how his story ended. We were supposed to grow old together. That won’t happen now. But I will pick up the pieces of my shattered heart and press on, one day at a time.