Trust

One of the goals I set for myself this year is to read through the entire Bible in 2022. Sadly I haven’t done that since I was in college when it was required as part of my classes. I have been able to keep up with it and when I have fallen behind a few days, I have caught back up to where I should be. I am currently in 2 Kings. The last verse of chapter 17 struck me as being similar to what can be observed among many that call themselves Christians these days. “Even while these people (the nations of Israel and Judah) were worshiping the LORD, they were serving their idols.” How many of those that were in churches this Saturday and Sunday worshiping walked out the doors to continue serving their idols? Israel and Judah had golden calfs and other physical idols that they bowed down to and sacrificed to. I don’t think many these days have those kind of idols. But how many of us have money as an idol? Or a job? Or drugs? Or power? Or fame? What is your pursuit in life? Is it to get as much money as possible? Or maybe it is to get promoted at work and work your way up the corporate ladder. Matthew 6:21 says “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also”.

Before October 2021 I had a 10 year plan. But on October 31st that plan was upended. No longer would I have a partner on earth that I could rely on for part of that plan. I had planned that I would work full time for 10 more years until Sabin was through college. Then I could “retire” and work part time somewhere. Ben would continue to work full time and carry the insurance on us. Without him, I am the only source of income and the only one that can provide insurance for us. The loss of Ben has changed so many things for the present and the future.

Sabin and I are currently in Wisconsin at the family cottage. Ben’s brother, Chris, was here for a week but our time only overlapped by a couple of days. Callie and Hunter were here for a week but had to return home on Friday. So now it is just the two of us. This time up here has been very difficult. We arrived here on July 1st. The first thing on the agenda was to unpack and then at 5 we were gathering to put Ben’s ashes in the ground next to his mom and grandparents. Ben absolutely loved it up here. His mom was a schoolteacher so he spent many summers up here with his brother and mom. There was always family around for him to have fun with. I think he would have said that some of his favorite memories of growing up are of days spent at the cottage. This year is the first time that I have ever been here without Ben. And like everything else since October 31st, nothing is the same. No matter what it is we do or where we go while here, all of it holds memories of time spent with Ben.

We have passed the 8 month mark now. Time marches on. Life goes on. The pain of loss is still great. I still struggle with the Why and What If questions. They keep cropping back up. Many, many tears have fallen from my eyes in the time we have been at the cottage. One of the best parts of being at the cottage around the 4th of July is the festivities. The local town puts on an excellent parade and some of the best fireworks for a small town. It rained much of the afternoon and into the evening on the 4th. It was down to just a very light sprinkle by dusk. We found a place to park to watch them. Just before they started, the kids joined the rest of the extended family (Ben’s aunt, uncle, cousins, etc). I decided to stay in the car and watch from there. So I did. . .through tears. Last year, Ben had his drone there and put it up and recorded the fireworks show with it. He had plans to try that again this year. Just another plan that was not to be. I doubt he would have put it in the air with the rain anyway. But he didn’t get to make that decision.

When I look back it is hard to believe that I have made it through the last 8 months. So much of it has been a blur. I try to just make it through each day as it comes. Some days that means a whole lot of tears. Other days there are less. There are very few days where there are no tears. Especially the days we have been here at the cottage. As hard as it is to live without Ben, I know God has a plan to use me. I don’t know the exact details of how he will use me and what I have gone through yet. But I am praying and trusting that He will guide me step by step as time goes on. That God will open the doors for me. For now I have a 13 year old boy to raise without his earthly father and I have a lot of healing to do. May I not be like the Israelites who didn’t trust in God completely and turned to worshiping idols along with worshiping God. They didn’t look to God alone. Instead they looked to other nations and added their practices to the practices that God had laid out for them. I know I can’t walk through this grief without God. He is the only one that can carry me through this.