The club

Many of us probably always wished to be part of the popular group as we were growing up. We wanted to be part of the in crowd. Part of the “club”. But there is a club that no one signs up for. A club that no one that qualifies for wants to be a part of. A club whose membership fee is very high. It is the widow club and the price of admission is the death of your husband. Recently a friend from church joined this “club”. It was just as unexpected for her as it was for me. I wish that she was not part of this club just as much as I wish I was not part of the club.

My friend’s husband who died was a very godly man. I didn’t know him well but what I knew of him, he was a terrific person. He loved his wife, kids and grandkids well. He did everything with excellence. From the many stories and descriptions of him during his funeral, I couldn’t help but think that he and Ben would have gotten along very well, except that he was a University of Michigan alum and avid fan. I’m sure if they had gotten to know each other here on earth, Ben would have ribbed him about that. I imagine that Ben greeted Gary as he entered heaven’s gates last week.

A new session of GriefShare has started up so I went to the first 2 meetings for that. It is a very different group this session. There are a few others returning from the prior session and many new people. I wasn’t able to go this week as I didn’t have anyone to pick Sabin up from soccer practice. Of course that issue brings on the tears. If only Ben were here I wouldn’t have to worry about getting Sabin to and from soccer practice. But also if he was still here I wouldn’t be going to GriefShare. There is still not a day that goes by that I don’t cry. I miss Ben so much.

One of the hardest things to do is work from home in the midst of all the memories and reminders of Ben. It has almost come to a point where it is not good for me to be working from home anymore. I like the flexibility of it. I like that I don’t have to drive anywhere to get to work. But being at home alone everyday does take a toll on me. For now I will keep plugging away and doing the best I can.

As time rolls on, the one year anniversary of Ben’s death looms on the horizon. The whole month of October is sure to be difficult. I have dubbed it the month of suck. On this date, October 4th, last year, the winds of change started to blow. Ben came home from work and said that he was really tired. He asked if I was okay with him not taking Sabin to goalkeeper training that night. I didn’t think much of it and wasn’t too concerned that Sabin would miss one night. Little did we know at that time that Ben had been exposed to COVID and it was starting its assault on him. So many times I replay the events of last October and wish that we would have done things differently. If only. . . I don’t allow myself to dwell there though because I know I can’t change the past and nothing I ever do will bring Ben back to us. Because if there was something I could do it would have been done already and he would be here with us.