A gaping wound

Two weeks after Ben died the health of our cat, Rally, took a turn. It was clear that there was something wrong with her so we took her in to be put down. The next day Sabin asked if we could get another cat. At that point I was not interested in another cat. I told him that we would get another one but we would wait at least six months. Our original plan was to go to the local animal shelter and pick out a couple of cats on the anniversary of Ben’s death. That didn’t work out because they are not open on Mondays. We ended up having time and opportunity to go between Christmas and New Year’s. The shelter had recently hosted two straight weeks of empty the shelters so the number of available cats was a little lower than normal.

We entered the cat room and checked out the available cats. Most of the cats just ignored us. There was one kitten that it was clear we would not be taking home. It hissed at me and would not allow me to pick it up or even pet it. Sabin locked onto a gray tabby that was perched on a shelf. She allowed him to pet her and she seemed to be friendly. He settled on that one. We chose a second one which was the friendliest of the cats in the room. She was the only one that came up to us and paid any attention to us. So we selected her. She is a orange tabby mix. We wrestled them into the cat carriers and loaded them in the car.

When we got them home, I put them in the bathroom so they could be somewhat confined until they got acclimated. They came with names that the shelter had given them but we knew we would rename them. We called them Gray and Orange until we settled on new names for them. I suggested to Sabin that we name them Scarlet and Gray and he agreed that those names would be fitting.

Scarlet was very friendly and was always underfoot. Gray on the other hand hid all the time. At some point in the first few days I discovered that Gray came with a pretty large wound in her armpit area. I checked on it periodically over the next week or so and it did not appear to be improving at all. It wasn’t getting worse but it also wasn’t healing. I made an appointment to get her into the vet. After 3 surgeries, several appointments, antibiotics, a cone of shame, a body suit and lots of love, the wound finally healed. Now that it is healed it is like we have a different cat. She actually comes out and lays on the couch with us. She plays with toys. Scarlet and her chase each other. She is still very skittish but she doesn’t hide all day anymore.

Many people are walking around with their own gaping wound. Widows and widowers carry a large wound from the death of their spouse. Gray preferred to hide because of the pain she was in. Often a widow/widower has that same tendency to just want to hide away. To curl up in bed and shut out the world and cry the day away. Most of the people in their life have no clue the pain and grief they are going through. Most truly care about them but they don’t understand. It can feel like it is easier and less painful to isolate yourself from others. You can’t be hurt if you don’t let others get close to you. I’m sure that is what drove Gray to hide away. If she kept herself from us, then we couldn’t hurt her.

Gray’s wound took close to two months to heal. The wound from the death of a spouse takes so much longer. In some ways it never really does heal. When you have loved deeply, the wound of loss is felt just as deeply. The end of March marks 17 months since Ben’s death. It is not any easier today than it was 17 months ago. In some ways it is harder. The first year I was focusing on getting through each day and through all those firsts. The second year I now need to learn how to live without Ben. The constant thought in so many activities is how it would be different if Ben were still here. Just the other night Sabin had an activity with the youth group. I thought about how Ben and I would have probably gone out to dinner somewhere while Sabin was gone. Or maybe that Ben would have taken Sabin to the church and come back home and we would have watched some TV together. Instead it was me finishing up some work and then a trip to Sam’s Club alone.

I have been so tired lately. Getting through each day is physically and emotionally and mentally exhausting. Life seems so very unfair. Not that I have ever expected that life would be fair. But it is so hard to accept things as they are. I see the news of despicable people committing horrible acts against their fellow human beings. And yet, a good and decent young man is no longer here. Ben had so much more to give and so much more good to do. Instead I am left here without him to try to carry on. Carry on raising Sabin. Carry on ministering to others. Carry on taking care of family. So that is what I will do. I will carry on, one day at a time and one step at a time.