It never ends. . .

Have you ever looked forward to something so much that it felt like time was going very slow? And that the time would never get here? Or maybe you were going through something traumatic or terribly life changing like a messy divorce? There was an endpoint for each of those things. There was a day or time when the much anticipated event would be here or the traumatic event would be over or finalized.

Any mother that has carried a baby for 9 months probably knows the feeling. Whether the pregnancy was easy or difficult they all have an endpoint. We can expect that no more than a week or two after the due date, it will be over. Even in the throes of labor, a mother knows that the pain will be over once that baby is delivered.

Grief is not like that. There is no endpoint. There is no point down the road that we can point to and say that it is over. Grief is with us for the rest of our lives. And that will wear you down in every way–mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally. There will never come a point where I can say “whew, I’m glad that is over”.

Living in Michigan, some winters can feel like they will never end. However we know that at some point the temperatures will creep up and the snow will stop and spring will be here. We put away the snow shovels, hats, gloves, scarves. We pull out the sandals, shorts and t-shirts. We know that winter can’t last forever and that the weather will warm up. And when the unbearably hot days of summer seem to drag on, we know that fall is just around the corner.

One of the best parts of living in a northern state is the beauty of fall. As the season changes from summer to fall, the true beauty of the leaves is on display. The picture above was taken in the fall a few years ago by a friend in my high school graduating class. My sister and I saw the photo when we went to the fair where our friend had entered it in one of the photo contests. It immediately caught my attention. The white frost on the red leaves is beautiful. When the frost comes, it robs plants of their ability to continue to grow. It kills many plants. It is as if the frost is trying to take the beauty of the red leaves. But the beauty of the leaves is actually made more spectacular because of the frost.

This photo is a reminder that in life those things that look as though they will destroy us, can actually make us shine even brighter. It is through the hard times that our character is developed. It is through difficult circumstances that we are strengthened. Difficult times change us. I can never be the same person I was before Ben’s death. Often after several years we can look back on the difficult times and be grateful for how they have shaped us and strengthened us. Many will say that if they could change things they wouldn’t because of who it has made them. I am not at that point. I still would rather go back in time and change how things turned out.

Somehow it has been almost 18 months since Ben’s death. I don’t even know how I managed to get through the last 18 months. I’m sure it has been the prayers of others that have sustained me through these hard days. There are times when I break down in tears over the littlest things. Sometimes multiple times a day.