Rings

When Ben and I got married 24 years ago we recited the traditional vows. “In sickness and health, until death parts us”. During the wedding ceremony we exchanged rings as a symbol of our love and commitment to each other. I never usually wore my wedding ring at home. But I would always grab it and put it on whenever I was going somewhere. Even after 22 months I still put my wedding ring on anytime I am going somewhere. At some point Ben stopped wearing his wedding ring because it annoyed him. I now wear it as part of a bracelet that I ordered off Etsy.

While the law would say that my marriage is over and I am no longer married, I don’t feel that way. Awhile back I had someone ask me if I was ready to start dating again. Honestly I don’t have the energy to add anything or anyone to my life right now. I am exhausted at the end of every day. I used to be a night owl. But now I am falling asleep on the couch at 10 pm. Not only that I just can’t imagine a life with anyone else but Ben. I am still in the space of wanting him here. Ben and I planned to spend the rest of our lives together. My plan would have never included anybody else. And it still doesn’t.

Today is our 24th wedding anniversary. I’m not sure that August 28th will ever get easier for me to get through. One thing I have learned over the last 22 months is that it can be helpful to stay busy on days like birthdays and anniversaries. I can allow myself to have some time for a pity party, but making sure I have a plan for how to spend the day makes it a little easier. I decided that I didn’t want to work all day so I took the day off. I scheduled an oil change for the car, lunch with 3 friends, made dinner for a dear friend who recently had surgery and went to Sabin’s soccer game. It was a full day.

There were moments throughout the day though that tears streamed down my face. It is hard to not have some tears because Ben is missing. I don’t know what today would have looked like if Ben was still here but I do know that there wouldn’t have been so many tears.

Every year in the month before our anniversary I would look up what was the traditional and modern anniversary gifts. I decided to do that yesterday. I usually get a chuckle out of what I find. It is funny that people have taken the time to come up with traditional and modern anniversary gifts for obscure anniversaries like the 17th or the 23rd. What I found for the 24th wedding anniversary is that the traditional theme is opal and the modern is musical instruments. In light of that I ordered myself some opal earrings.

I don’t know how long I will continue to wear my wedding ring. I suppose there will come a day where I decide not to wear it anymore. Or maybe I will incorporate it with the bracelet I have for Ben’s ring. I have already had the fact that I had a wedding ring on bring up an awkward situation. I was working the concession stand at the varsity soccer game and the other mom that was working with me asked if my husband would fill the other slot since each family is required to fill two slots in the concession stand. In order to not make it awkward for her I simply replied “nope”. I know she saw my wedding ring and assumed that my husband is still alive. Thankfully she didn’t continue to ask questions. Maybe I should have told her the reason. Or I could have told her that he is not able to. There really is no right or wrong thing to do in a situation like that.

I can look back on the 22 years that I had with Ben with gratefulness for the all blessings that God has given us. We walked through some tough times but we sure had a lot of fun along the way. One of my favorite things is when people tell me memories they have of Ben. Sometimes they will make me a little sad but most of the time they make me smile and often laugh. He truly was one of a kind. He loved to have fun and joke around. There is a lot of him in both of our children. In fact our daughter, Callie, started a new job today. Not just any job either. She has her dad’s job at the school. I messaged her boss who was Ben’s boss to see how the day went. He said that she is a lot like her father. I am pretty sure he meant that in all the best ways. Sabin is also a lot like his father. In fact one of the gentlemen that works with the youth at church told me last Sunday that Sabin told him that he is a lot like his dad. And he definitely is. So while Ben is no longer here, I have large pieces of him that he left behind in his children. Through the tears I thank God that He is good.